Peaceful Fight : Puns / Jokes
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10/11/02 Chuck Fogerty sent me these various puns. Some of them are so bad they must be good ! Hope they raise a smile !
1.Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him .....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A
super callused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
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The Website deals with a number of strange (and often funny) ways in which people have either through stupidity / naiveity or bad luck managed to kill themselves or put themselves into institutions where their chances of breeding are minimised ! The site says that "The Darwin Awards honor those who improve our gene pool... by removing themselves from it. These men and women gave their "all" in an effort to improve the human species. Of necessity, the honor is generally bestowed posthumously" and although a bit macabre it can often raise a chuckle.
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06/06/03. A work colleague who now works in a different part of the country regularly sends me jokes over the Internet. Here are a selection of the best :-
Awesome Wordplay
The Washington Post annually publishes the results of a contest it runs
for readers in which they are asked to supply alternative meanings for
various words. The following were some of the winning entries from 2002:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj ), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n) , A Jamaican proctologist
Also from the Post, this time its 2001 "Style Invitational" in which readers are asked to take a word, alter et by adding, subtracting or changing one letter and provide a definition
1. ntaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2 Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid (familiar to all men).
4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Glibido: All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. (Top prizewinner) -- Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
asshole.
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